Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
