we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
