i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
