john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
