she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
