I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
