Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
