This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
