I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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