Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
