my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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