i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
