Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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