he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
