Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
