Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
