I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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