I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
