Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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