Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
