I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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