So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
