you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
