If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
