She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
