Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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