Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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