And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
that's an acceptable place to lick
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
