Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
