well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
