No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
