I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
