Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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