Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
