I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
