my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In other news, I just burned my penis
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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