Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
