woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
