got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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