Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
