What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My ass is underappreciated
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....