i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare