My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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