she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
