i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
