thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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