I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
