Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
