i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my poor anus
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
