i just made my gag reflex go away.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
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I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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