If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
