This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
