so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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