I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
