A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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