woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
