my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
