yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
