i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
