Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
