he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
